I have come to the realization that there is not much point in my continuing to compose music. Music has been a major part of my life. It actually has been my life's work and an integral part of my self identity. But in recent years I have come to understand and believe that music does not thrive in a hermetically-sealed vacuum. Music is an integral part of society and culture and as such only exists primarily in a shared public space where a community of like-minded thinkers create, partake, and engage in a common vision.
The music that has inspired and fed my passion has largely fallen out of favor. It is hardly ever performed, recorded, or appreciated at present. This is a major trend that I can't navigate or alter. As a composer I can no longer fight against this powerful tide. It's time to finally come to terms and face this stark reality directly in the eye.
Over the years and decades it seems that a majority of my like-minded colleagues have already reluctantly retired and thrown in the proverbial towel. Many who would have understood and appreciated our music have since died. I've tried to cultivate opportunities for performances here and there, but realistically the odds of having any tangible notion of success in the currant environment is rather scant.
Art is about creating illusions. An artist often lives within a self-fulfilling illusion. One should believe in their own work for it to be credible. One has to be convinced that their work matters, that it has some intrinsic meaning, that other people might potentially sympathize and relate with your vision, and that what you do is of notable artistic consequence. Self doubt and creativity are mutually exclusive. But the engine that runs the machine producing the art needs a pipeline of fuel. When the gas runs out, the engine begins to sputter and eventually the artistic process slows to a crawl and eventually shuts down.
I anticipate that some people who are reading this are or the view that what I say is exaggerated and self-aggrandising. So be it. Some composers have navigated this troublesome landscape much better than I. I can't explain why some composers are incredibly successful and in strong demand while others are essentially ignored and forgotten. Perhaps it is related to the style of music they write. Perhaps the discrepancy is pure chance or a matter of circumstance.
Supposedly our enlightened era is one of open-mindedness, tolerance, and artistic diversity. But when I see what is actually represented musically today there seems to be an almost universal rejection of modernism. It's considered toxic material for concert curators, producers, and musical organizations alike. Modernism is a poison pill.
While it is true that I see no clear road forward for myself, I am very proud of my past work. I have accomplished a lot over the decades and stand solidly behind my music. However, the majority of my work has yet to be performed. I still actively seek musicians and musical ensembles to adopt it, bring it to life, and realize my vision. There is a lot of "there there" to discover and premiere. But from where I sit today I see no reason to compose additional works that will ultimately sit on the shelf unheard. For me it is not satisfying to create something that will not have a chance of being realized. Making a new piece involves a considerable amount of work, a major investment of time, ample inner strife, and a boatload of emotional engagement. But realistically, it would be to no end.
This short essay is essentially a note to myself, a way of analyzing and putting into context something that I already know and feel. It is a method of introspection and an honest acknowledgement of my current state of mind with regard to why I am not actively composing music at this moment in time. It is a long answer to a simple question that I encounter on a regular basis, "What are you composing now?" The short answer is.......... "Nothing."
